Be Still My Heart
by notintolabels29
Summary: She was the one person who never asked me to change, forget who I used to be, or cover the graying cuts and bruises on my heart; and maybe that’s why I started to fall for her.


**I know it's been forever since I posted anything. This is just a song fic one-shot. The song is Be Still My Heart by Sam the Boy, who is an amazing local artist here in AZ. Please read and review.**

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We were little girls sharing secrets at sleepovers, only not so little and not sleeping. Our secrets had grown in reflection to our ages, and no longer consisted merely of thinking that boy Timmy was cute. By the time we were seniors, sitting next to one another with hands cupped against ears was not enough and it was quite the task letting one pass our lips. I had always felt that if I had met her sooner I never would have had any secrets to tell. There wouldn't have been a band-aid to rip off of old wounds to expose to the air and the scrutiny of this girl I'd come to trust.

Not that I ever had to worry about how she would react. After the initial lack of freak out at my 'Hi I'm gay' attitude, I knew she would be worth getting to know. She even took my 'first time' story amazingly well, laughing at first before realizing the disappointment from the five minute roll in the hay with some Ohio cowboy wasn't exactly funny. Laughing wasn't the reaction I got for my confessions of a dead brother, absentee mother, attempted suicide, and brief stint as a drug addict back in rural America. She was the one person who never asked me to change, forget who I used to be, or cover the graying cuts and bruises on my heart; and maybe that's why I started to fall for her. The one girl who was off limits, explicitly straight, and in a long running committed relationship with the biggest idiot known to King High.

Of course I'd never tell her of the growing feelings I had for her, despite the pain it caused me. I lied every day, ignoring the way my heart ached to see her with Aiden while I remained in my long running committed relationship with the patron saint of lost causes. So I made what little room I could, without jostling too much around in hopes that if she were to be removed there wouldn't be a permanent hole, in my heart and kept her next to dreams deferred and star-crossed lovers. I felt as a moth drawn to a flame, burning away in the glory of my obsession but never finding the will to turn away from it.

Then, the unthinkable happened. After the 'big game,' which I later realized was actually Homecoming and I'd just lived buried too far in my hole to notice it, the two love birds had a date which I had been reminded of throughout the day of by an excited girl. So when the bastard himself didn't show I presumed she would be devastated, wanting to come over and cry her eyes out that the perfect man had just proven himself flawed. Instead, she showed up at my house just as I was about to begin my Friday night ritual of eating ice cream, wallowing in self pity, and appreciating Eliza Dushku looking fine, happy even. Not a tear was shed or a word spoken about the douche bag boy who had ditched her for a party and a quick fuck with the head cheerleader. A week later, during our late night discussion she confessed that she had suspected him of cheating before but was too comfortable in the relationship and never had any incentive for breaking it off. Until recently when, as she put it, she had something to go after that she really wanted.

I had to fight the urge to scream, or cry, or whatever I would have done when that new wave of jealousy washed over me. Suppressing the feeling, I nodded and proceeded to ask her about this guy she was crushing on. She laughed, a short and nervous laugh that I didn't understand, and looked down at the floor. After a few minutes of avoiding my gaze she spoke, not answering the question I had asked.

"At first, I brushed off what I was feeling; excusing it as just wanting to get to know them or being curious about a new person. I loved Aiden so I couldn't possibly want to be with anyone else. Then I got to know them and it wasn't enough, if anything the feelings I was having grew exponentially. I couldn't explain the butterflies or clammy hands or quickened heartbeat or sudden nervousness whenever they were around, even when their name was mentioned. But I couldn't act on it all because there was still Aiden in my way, and I guess that made me feel safe. Like I wouldn't have to risk anything, everything, to get what I wanted because I had it. I convinced myself I had it. Unfortunately, my heart had a different idea. I had this thought that if I could just get my heart to be still around them then I would be fine, that I wouldn't have to worry about what people would think or say or do. Until I realized that no matter what, people will think or say or do whatever they damn well please and me sitting around playing out myriad scenarios where it all ended horribly wasn't going to get me any closer to what I wanted, what I needed. So, last week I broke up with Aiden and now I'm here," I didn't get it. Not at first. Of course, she had an unfair advantage, staring into my eyes with an intensity I couldn't place or identify as I had never seen it before. Her gaze kept me from forming any words, and much too quickly, minutes had past and it seemed I was the only one that hadn't noticed them ticking away. Her eyes dropped and before I had any chance to react she was standing and moving away towards the door, "I shouldn't have said all that. I'm sorry, I'm just gonna go."

I was still utterly lost but not quite confused enough to let her leave. Grasping her hand I turned her back to me until I could see a forlorn expression on her face that suddenly revealed to me the meaning behind what she had said. Yet I couldn't believe it. She was saying she loved me back, that she felt how I felt, that she wanted to be with me. So I mustered up all my eloquence and breathed out a reply.

"What?" I was flustered, flabbergasted, floored. I had no clue how to reply to her dramatic monologue and soon the confusion spread as she scrunched her eyebrows together adorably and looked at me, "I mean, I'm your crush?"

"Uh . . . yeah. I shouldn't have, umm, I uh, I just thought . . ." I laughed, not at her, but at the situation. Here she was freaking out that I didn't feel the same when I had been pining for her for months.

"No, baby, it's ok. Really. I just never thought you'd ever feel that same," I didn't know if I should have called her baby or not. Some people don't like it. Maybe I should have just used her name. But she didn't seem to mind.

"Wait, you love me too?" I grinned and nodded, pulling her by the hand I was still holding into a hug. At that moment I knew that this girl could save me from myself, and perhaps she was thinking the same thing.

"I've loved you from the moment you offered to be my bio partner, Ash. Since I realized that maybe not everyone in this world was an asshole," she giggled, tossing her brunette hair over her shoulder and leaning back into me. Our eyes flitted over one another's faces until slowly we each leaned in, lips meeting in a kiss. And then it happened, finally my heart was still.


End file.
